Anti-depress me

Started taking anti-depressants yesterday for the first time in my life.
Told my partner, who has Aspergers about it, and I don't know why I had hoped for some understanding of my fears, or any emotional support whatsoever. Predictably he gave me none and I got another 7am rocket for being a woman with emotion.
I find it bitterly unfair that I love him enough to support him through his breakdowns and tough days, but that at the mere hint of a bad day with me, suddenly I'm selfish, mentally ill and an awful awful person.

I feel trapped.
So I've started taking a magic pill to turn my feelings off. Maybe this will work. Maybe I will fit in more. Maybe my partner will hate me less.
The first thing he said was, it kills your libido.
Oh well, was my response but I wanted to say, at least you won't feel obliged to make love to me anymore. Problem solved.

Maybe this is the magic pill that will fix my relationship. Ha. As if. Nothing can fix my relationship because it is fundamentally flawed and I, am not strong enough to stand up to ihm and tell him to fuck off.

I have been considering suicide frequently again, hitting myself in the head, wanting to cut so badly but I hate that weak part of myself. I wish I were dead. I wish I did not have to figure this out all alone. I am so fucking sad about how this has all happened and I don't know a way out of it.

I would rather become a zombie than feel all of this. I would rather co exist in peace and quiet than feel guilty for feeling things all the time.

So begins the deadening. They say it will take up to 3 weeks to take effect, so now i'm just waiting for my brain to catch up.