I hardly ate anything yesterday, had no appetite and left work early to go home and sleep. Slept for about 4 hours, and woke up feeling a little better but still morose and still haven't found my tongue to speak my mind with my partner.
He kept asking me if I was okay and looking at me as though I was about to spontaneously combust. He repeated what he said about my libido disappearing and I just shrugged and said it's probably a good thing, my libido is too high anyway. Anything to avoid to rejection from my lover on a regular basis.
Today I am exhausted. Had trouble falling asleep last night and woke up feeling so so drained this morning. Spewed up some bile on my way to work, which I presume is the effect of not eating dinner last night and still taking Lexapro anyhow.
I don't want to be on antidepressants. I avoided them for so long and thought I could deal with it myself. Apparently I'm not that strong. Whatever.
I just want to kill off all those pesky feelings and engage with the world like everyone else does. This is one time in my life where I would give anything to fit in and be a part of the crowd.
Looking forward to lunch so i can sleep again and the bus to Canberra - all sleeping. Can't get enough.
Thursday 19 March 2015
Wednesday 18 March 2015
Anti-depress me
Started taking anti-depressants yesterday for the first time in my life.
Told my partner, who has Aspergers about it, and I don't know why I had hoped for some understanding of my fears, or any emotional support whatsoever. Predictably he gave me none and I got another 7am rocket for being a woman with emotion.
I find it bitterly unfair that I love him enough to support him through his breakdowns and tough days, but that at the mere hint of a bad day with me, suddenly I'm selfish, mentally ill and an awful awful person.
I feel trapped.
So I've started taking a magic pill to turn my feelings off. Maybe this will work. Maybe I will fit in more. Maybe my partner will hate me less.
The first thing he said was, it kills your libido.
Oh well, was my response but I wanted to say, at least you won't feel obliged to make love to me anymore. Problem solved.
Maybe this is the magic pill that will fix my relationship. Ha. As if. Nothing can fix my relationship because it is fundamentally flawed and I, am not strong enough to stand up to ihm and tell him to fuck off.
I have been considering suicide frequently again, hitting myself in the head, wanting to cut so badly but I hate that weak part of myself. I wish I were dead. I wish I did not have to figure this out all alone. I am so fucking sad about how this has all happened and I don't know a way out of it.
I would rather become a zombie than feel all of this. I would rather co exist in peace and quiet than feel guilty for feeling things all the time.
So begins the deadening. They say it will take up to 3 weeks to take effect, so now i'm just waiting for my brain to catch up.
Told my partner, who has Aspergers about it, and I don't know why I had hoped for some understanding of my fears, or any emotional support whatsoever. Predictably he gave me none and I got another 7am rocket for being a woman with emotion.
I find it bitterly unfair that I love him enough to support him through his breakdowns and tough days, but that at the mere hint of a bad day with me, suddenly I'm selfish, mentally ill and an awful awful person.
I feel trapped.
So I've started taking a magic pill to turn my feelings off. Maybe this will work. Maybe I will fit in more. Maybe my partner will hate me less.
The first thing he said was, it kills your libido.
Oh well, was my response but I wanted to say, at least you won't feel obliged to make love to me anymore. Problem solved.
Maybe this is the magic pill that will fix my relationship. Ha. As if. Nothing can fix my relationship because it is fundamentally flawed and I, am not strong enough to stand up to ihm and tell him to fuck off.
I have been considering suicide frequently again, hitting myself in the head, wanting to cut so badly but I hate that weak part of myself. I wish I were dead. I wish I did not have to figure this out all alone. I am so fucking sad about how this has all happened and I don't know a way out of it.
I would rather become a zombie than feel all of this. I would rather co exist in peace and quiet than feel guilty for feeling things all the time.
So begins the deadening. They say it will take up to 3 weeks to take effect, so now i'm just waiting for my brain to catch up.
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