Three weeks down...

I've been on escitalopram for over three weeks now and to be honest I'm feeling great!

The first week was pretty tough in terms of exhaustion and not knowing what was going to happen and so on. The only real indication that it was doing what it was supposed to was when my best mate came home from overseas and instead of feeling overwhelmed with happiness and bursting with joy, I felt happy and calm. I never feel calm when I'm happy, i usually have the drama happies.

I have been sleeping well and though at first i didn't want to drink any alcohol, i have been drinking a bit. Now its time to lay off it a while i think and really give my body and chemistry the kickstart it needs to feel better.

I don't feel immediately anxious when i have certain thoughts these days, i feel more capable. I am much happier at home with my honey and able to discuss matters with him without them escalating into anything worse and triggering either of us. I started exercising again yesterday for the first time in over two years, which is something amazing for me. I used to be so fit, and so proud of my fitness that i'm ashamed my body is a bit of a wasteland right now. So i'm rejigging things a bit to focus on wellness again and i'm going to lead the way for Avi to find his way back to wellness as well.

I haven't had an anxiety attack in a while, and haven't cried at work since taking these happy pills. A part of me hates to admit it, but perhaps this is what i needed all along and i'm glad that I got help. My chemical makeup feels stronger and i feel capable for once. Best thing i've ever done for myself and my mental health at this kind of point in my life.

Til next time zombies x

Day two - sleep and spew

I hardly ate anything yesterday, had no appetite and left work early to go home and sleep. Slept for about 4 hours, and woke up feeling a little better but still morose and still haven't found my tongue to speak my mind with my partner.

He kept asking me if I was okay and looking at me as though I was about to spontaneously combust. He repeated what he said about my libido disappearing and I just shrugged and said it's probably a good thing, my libido is too high anyway. Anything to avoid to rejection from my lover on a regular basis.

Today I am exhausted. Had trouble falling asleep last night and woke up feeling so so drained this morning. Spewed up some bile on my way to work, which I presume is the effect of not eating dinner last night and still taking Lexapro anyhow.

I don't want to be on antidepressants. I avoided them for so long and thought I could deal with it myself. Apparently I'm not that strong. Whatever.

I just want to kill off all those pesky feelings and engage with the world like everyone else does. This is one  time in my life where I would give anything to fit in and be a part of the crowd.

Looking forward to lunch so i can sleep again and the bus to Canberra - all sleeping. Can't get enough.

Anti-depress me

Started taking anti-depressants yesterday for the first time in my life.
Told my partner, who has Aspergers about it, and I don't know why I had hoped for some understanding of my fears, or any emotional support whatsoever. Predictably he gave me none and I got another 7am rocket for being a woman with emotion.
I find it bitterly unfair that I love him enough to support him through his breakdowns and tough days, but that at the mere hint of a bad day with me, suddenly I'm selfish, mentally ill and an awful awful person.

I feel trapped.
So I've started taking a magic pill to turn my feelings off. Maybe this will work. Maybe I will fit in more. Maybe my partner will hate me less.
The first thing he said was, it kills your libido.
Oh well, was my response but I wanted to say, at least you won't feel obliged to make love to me anymore. Problem solved.

Maybe this is the magic pill that will fix my relationship. Ha. As if. Nothing can fix my relationship because it is fundamentally flawed and I, am not strong enough to stand up to ihm and tell him to fuck off.

I have been considering suicide frequently again, hitting myself in the head, wanting to cut so badly but I hate that weak part of myself. I wish I were dead. I wish I did not have to figure this out all alone. I am so fucking sad about how this has all happened and I don't know a way out of it.

I would rather become a zombie than feel all of this. I would rather co exist in peace and quiet than feel guilty for feeling things all the time.

So begins the deadening. They say it will take up to 3 weeks to take effect, so now i'm just waiting for my brain to catch up.